King Richard: If I were a jolly blacksmith
What a happy guy I'd be
I would do all kinds of blacksmith stuff
In my blacksmithery
I would hit the thing with the other thing
'Till I made a different thing!
If I were a jolly blacksmith!
No, I'm not feeling it. Besides, I'd get filthy. There must be something better. Ooh!
If I were a friendly farmer
Wouldn't that be oh so sweet?
I'd be planting greens, and lots of beans
And lots of things to eat
Then I'd plant some eggs, then a couple pigs
Then a yummy chocolate cake!
No, that's not right. Besides, any moron can plant a cake. I want to be special, needed, liked! I've got it!
If I were a merry brewer
That would be a grand career
I would pick the grapes, and peel the grapes
And stomp them into beer
Dammit! I don't know how to do anything except be a king! And no one wants me to be a king.
If I'm just a jolly nothing
What am I supposed to do?
I don't have a skill, no niche to fill
No one to come home to
Don't know where to go, don't know how to fit
Don't know who to even be
If I were a jolly tailor, juggler, barber, wet nurse, cesspool worker
Ugh, what difference does it make?
I would still be me
- On the album version the spoken lines in between the verses are different than they are above. After the verse about blacksmiths, King Richard says:
- No, that doesn't feel right. Must be something easier. Ah!
- After the verse about the farmer, King Richard says:
- No, no, that's not it. Besides, one of my eight brothers is a farmer. I want to be special, liked, needed! Ah, I've got it!
- Timothy Omundson and Karen David performed a different version of the song for their appearance on Good Morning America on January 8, 2016, with a verse in which Omundson sings "If I Were a GMA Anchor..."
"Build a New Tomorrow"
"The Happiest Day of Your Life"